NOTE TO SELF: Talking with children about their story

Tamariki and rangatahi benefit emotionally from knowing their past and family stories. However, many people are uncomfortable talking about difficult topics, especially those involving pain, loss, or uncertainty. For caregivers, particularly foster and adoptive caregivers, these conversations are often necessary.

Children in care may know very little about their own history due to separation from birth families and changes of placement or social workers. They rely on the adults caring for them to help make sense of their story and their place in the world.

With honesty, preparation, and sensitivity, caregivers can talk with children about their past in ways that feel safe and supportive.

Consider the child’s developmental age

Children can handle truthful information when it is shared in a way that matches their developmental level. In many cases, what they imagine about their past may be more distressing than reality.

Young children (under six or seven):
Keep explanations brief and simple, like reading a short story. These conversations often work best during calm, comforting moments. Use clear language to help them understand who the important people are in their lives and what has happened to them.

School-age children (up to around eleven)
Children at this stage begin to understand complex feelings like sadness, anger, and loss. They are usually able to have meaningful conversations and can understand more detail about their previous experiences when it is shared carefully and calmly.

Teenagers
Wherever possible, important information about a child’s journey should be shared before adolescence. Always ask if they are ready to hear difficult information – if they are not, respect that and return to the topic later.

When talking with teenagers, be direct, respectful and honest. Allow them to help guide the conversation.

PLAN AHEAD AND CHOOSE THE RIGHT SETTING

Important conversations should not happen by accident. Take time to plan what you want to say and choose a setting where the child feels comfortable and safe.

Many caregivers find that talking during everyday activities, such as driving or sharing a meal, can make these discussions easier.

Share information over time

Conversations about a child’s history should happen gradually. Let the child’s reactions guide how much information you share and when. If a child becomes overwhelmed, pause the conversation and plan to revisit it.

ABOVE ALL

• Be honest.
• Share only what the child can handle but answer questions truthfully.
• Do not let your own fear or discomfort influence what you share.