Colin, Scott & Caine – a caregiving story

5 September 2025

* Names have been changed throughout this story, for anonymity.

Colin is a caregiver with a remarkable story. He and his former partner were the first same-sex couple in New Zealand to be approved to adopt a non-kin child – becoming the parents of an 18-month-old boy with complex medical needs in late 2006. Colin’s unwavering determination is evident, as he tirelessly advocated for himself throughout the adoption process, and has continued to advocate for his tamaiti (child) to give him the best future possible.

We spoke to Colin to learn more about his caregiving journey – the challenges he’s faced and the successes he’s experienced along the way.

In the early 2000s, a friend of Colin’s partner, Scott, became pregnant. She wasn’t in a stable relationship at the time, so asked Scott and Colin if they would be willing to adopt her baby when born. Under the law at the time, only married different-sex couples could adopt jointly, so Colin and Scott were unable to adopt together as a couple.  

But these roadblocks didn’t deter them. After 16 months of waiting, a declined application and a complaint to the Human Rights Commission, Colin and Scott were finally granted permission to proceed with the adoption process. This permission was conditional – either Colin or Scott would need to apply as a ‘sole applicant’, with the other partner being included in the approvals process as ‘a member of the household’. 

A change of plans, but not of heart
By this time, Scott’s friend’s relationship had stabilised, and she and her partner decided to keep the baby. Colin and Scott had already fought a hard battle to get this far through the adoption process, so they decided to carry on in the hope of adopting another child. In late 2006, they received an email from adoption services seeking a home for an 18-month-old boy named Caine. Caine’s birth mother wasn’t in a place to care for Caine herself, his birth father was not in the picture, and there were no extended family able to take Caine into their care.  The family was looking for a permanent home for Caine.  

Meeting Caine: a life-changing connection
Caine was born two months premature and diagnosed with Tuberous Sclerosis Complex, a noncurable genetic disease that affects the main organs with lots of benign (noncancerous) tumors. In his first few months of life, Caine spent a lot of time in hospital with related health issues – baby epilepsy, baby bronchiolitis and heart murmurs. He came to Colin and Scott with seven different medications and a continuous flow of hospital appointments. However, these complex medical needs did not deter Colin and Scott, and after meeting Caine’s temporary caregivers, an intensive three-and-a-half-week process began to transition Caine into Colin and Scott’s care.   

Building bonds: the transition to a new home
Colin knew that the transition process was vital to ensure Caine settled smoothly into their home. Every day, they would travel to Caine’s temporary foster home before work to bathe Caine and give him breakfast and return at night after work to bathe him and put him to bed. Gradually, Caine started to visit Colin and Scott’s home for a few hours at a time. They made a special picture book of their house and pets to leave with Caine, so the pictures could help him become more familiar with his new family and home.  

When Caine first moved into Colin and Scott’s home, the social worker advised a complete break from the birth family for three months. This was tough for Caine’s birth mother, but she understood this was important for Caine to create a bond with his new parents.  

Lasting commitments: embracing all families
Because Caine’s birth mother wished to retain her natural guardianship, rather than adoption, Colin’s and Scott’s parenting relationship with Caine was confirmed by the granting of Additional Guardianship and Parenting Orders through the Family Court in February 2008. 

Throughout this time, they started taking Caine to visit his birth mother and connected with other family members on his mother’s side, including his great-grandparents, grandparents, an aunt and cousins.  

Family was – and still is – very important more broadly as well. Colin says they always talked with Caine about ‘his families’. In addition to his birth family, there is his early foster family, both Colin’s and Scott’s own extended families, as well as their ‘social’ families and, of course, the school family. Colin has always been grateful for the support that has come to Caine from all these families. 

Talking to Colin about how they achieved this family blend, he says they’ve always recognised the importance of family and they prioritised maintaining a connection with the birth family, in particular. Colin recalls fondly a time when Caine’s great-grandmother hugged him after a visit and said, “Thank you so much for everything you’re doing for us, for our family, and for Caine.” Colin says he thanked her instead, for allowing Caine to be part of his life. 

Advocacy in action
Caine was a very ‘sickly’ infant and toddler, and Colin and Scott always stuck rigorously to Caine’s demanding medication routines, never missed an appointment, and adopted a person-centered approach in their care for him (putting the person first and the disability/medical condition second). In fact, when reflecting on his caregiving journey, Colin says they just wanted to be a family together, and the biggest struggle has not been Caine, his medical condition, or his birth family, but the system – which consistently seems to remind them that their relationship is based on pieces of paper, creating roadblocks for caregivers and parents who are just trying to do the best for their tamariki.  

This is why Colin urges other caregivers to accept all support offered to them in the caregiving space, and to do their research so they know and understand what support is available. Colin has always made an effort to be aware of his financial entitlements and supports as a caregiver and made sure they were accessing everything they could to care for Caine in the best way possible. As a result, orthodontics, driving, swimming, and music (singing and guitar) lessons have all been funded for Caine as much as the system allows. In 2008 when Colin was granted guardianship and parenting orders, he negotiated a special order to be included which would help fund the expensive medication Caine needed for his medical condition. All this is with a focus on giving Caine the best that he can be given and tailoring this support to his needs. 

Growing up with aroha: Caine’s journey to independence
Throughout primary and intermediate school, Caine was lucky to have amazing teachers who supported him. He developed a passion for rock music and played electric guitar in the school band.  School wasn’t always easy; a few kids teased Caine for not having a traditional family, but Colin credits Caine’s unique way of viewing the world for not letting these comments affect him.  Instead, Caine saw that he had two amazing Dads at home, and other kids only had one Dad. He had a family full of aroha that spread wide and far, albeit a little bit different from most.   

Fast forward to the present day, Colin has been solo caregiving for eleven years since Scott moved out in 2014. Caine is now 20 years old and alongside his interest in rock music, he’s developed a passion for cars. In Colin’s words “he talks, eats, and sleeps cars!”. Caine has completed his two-year course in automotive engineering at Polytech, has his full driver licence, and currently owns four cars – two of which he is working on to sell. 

While Caine still lives happily at home with his Dad, he is working part-time, socialising with friends, and generally becoming more independent. Colin knows that Caine’s transition to full independence will be a gradual, sometimes bumpy process – much like his transition into Colin and Scott’s home when he was just 18 months old. But he’s confident it is a journey that Caine is now more than capable of.